I've been thinking a while about this, every time I hang out with Ernest, Matt, and Jing. It's not until Jing brought it up that I actually noticed it myself. Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself.
So I've always wondered why I'm somehow standing in the awkward middle of any given social schema. I'm never popular-popular. In fact, I'm downright not. However, I'm not exactly social outcast material either. I fall in that unique pocket of being that is somehow the geeky, not-popular kid that's not bottom-of-the-barrel-nerd. I'm not unpopular. In fact, to most people, I'm just "Clive, the nice guy," or "Clive, the self-centered asshole." And a fair amount of people know me randomly, as if my reputation (if I even have one) precedes me or something.
I've always known that I was a flinker (float+sink = in the middle) in the dog-eat-dog world of primary and secondary education. I knew some of the popular kids, I knew some of the unpopular kids. I knew the outcasts (if you want to call them that, I don't think they are, but that's the label they're given by others). I was either "nice guy" or "asshole" to most of them. This part, I know, comes with me never wanting to settle in and clique-off with any particular group. Despite that, I've managed to find pockets of friends in the most random places. I guess if I fell in with any group, it's the one I coin "Popular-Eccentric." The people I would give an arm and leg for are sort of like me. We never settle for a specific group (that was until we found each other). The D-Cru. We were all lone wolves to an extent. We're all sorta leaders, not-quite-followers. That doesn't mean we're one or the other, we're just so uniquely our own separate person that we'd never blindly follow another. That made us different, and special. It's a bond that grew out of trying to have no bonds to begin with.
So that re-raises my question. Why was I like this? The obvious answer stares me in the face. Kai. But honestly, his last words to me would definitely have had a different impact to other people. Why did I manifest it this way? I honestly haven't had the balls to pick through my brain to find the real answer to that. However. I think it has something to do with the fact that my wanting to find happiness translated to needing to find it in other people, by knowing them, being with them. The getting-to-know-you process. And of course, I'm still me, so I break off and exclude myself from people after a while. That's the person I naturally was.
So now, the place I'm in with people is basically the conglomerate of the ups and downs of me trying to make the best of myself getting to know and befriend people, and the crash of wanting to be alone to think. It brings me to what Jing said, and what I noticed.
So Jing realized (and made me realize afterward) that sometimes, when I say something, Ernest and Matt repeat me. In fact, this "sometimes" has become "quite often." To be fair, Ernest and Matt repeat each other when I'm not around, but when I am, they repeat whatever witty cynical piece of sarcastic humor I say. My tongue is naturally sharp around friends. I can't help myself. But I never really noticed it till Jing actually said "I just noticed you two repeat Clive a lot." And it made me think. Why the hell would anyone want to repeat me? I'm a cynical bastard. Hell, I'm a fucked up, perverted, cynical bastard. The question is why.
I once randomly mused to Matt, "I wonder why people even like me in the first place, it's not like I'm anything that special." His reply made me wtf, complete with crooked eyebrow. He said "Because you're smart, and good at a lot of things." Me? Smart? Wow. No. In which way am I smart? Just because I got into a UC? Doesn't mean anything. My grades aren't speaking for my smarts either. And as for being good a lot of things. Which of them really matters in this big, scary world? The only thing I can honestly say I'm good at is understanding people's feelings and sorting them out for the person. I'm good at putting feelings into words, and making them more comprehensible. Fantastic. This makes me a great counselor. But it doesn't make me smart. I suppose his repeating what I say is some random symbolic gesture of him trying to learn how to be witty. And cynical. But who really wants that? It's what makes me an asshole to so many people. My attitude is so extreme that idiots and their first opinions instantly put me into one of the two above categories. Does that mean I'm naturally an "asshole" and fronting the "nice guy?" No. I can honestly say that its comparable to being bipolar (which I say I am all the time.) This is what I mean. Why would LaFonda and Matt repeat each other? I'll leave that up to them to figure out, but I can't place my figer exactly on why those two would want my cynicism at all.
How does all this tie in together? Why would people want to be where I am? Not quite popular, not quite far. Not quite the leader, not quite the dregs. Not quite the nice one, not quite an ass. Basically jack of many trades, but hopelessly wishing I was a master at some. This is some messed up introspection I'm having.
Well. Whatever. These thing have got to work themselves out.
In other news, we played an epic battle of Magic: the Gathering today. The Army of Clerics versus the Horde of Zombies versus the Jungle of Snakes. Constructed insanity. We are so nerdy.
I get to teach tomorrow, if no other special guests derail my day I guess. It should be fun. And hell, derailing for someone like SlimJim was totally worth it. Learning to house is pretty sick. Maybe I'll look into it.
And the wind brought Clive @ 11:43 PM
|
Tuesday, September 16, 2008 |
