I've never felt this way before. It's strange. Like I'm pathologically conscience free, and making decisions based on pure logic, with gains and losses. This is the inciting incident, and these are the dilemmas I've contemplated in the last 10 minutes.
Bao and I have been planning to go out to explore this 24 hour Walmart. Fabulously planned, though never at an hour before 00:00. How I would love to lift at one of those. Now it was roughly 1: 40 something when he called, so I figured, hell, why not? It's not like I'll be doing anything else all day long. Or rather, all night long, but that's irrelevant. And then the glaring opposition. I thought the parentals would be cool with it. As the way that things usually go, it's not the parentalS that weren't cool with it, it was a parental. Singular. And of course, it had to be her royal highness.
She presented me with several dilemmas, several of which, after a grueling mental bout with myself, am glad to oblige.
YuGiOh! has been a major part of my life for many years, I've gone through judging, playing, and hell, I've been throwing vast amounts of money into this game. She threatened to "throw away all my cards." Now I ask myself. I'm weighing my options. These are the logical steps, though probably biased to another's point of view, that I would like to take. She gave birth to me why? What is the core purpose of a human being? To live out a human life. Fine, I'm doing that. I have to make responsible decisions. Sure, while leaving at 1:40 something AM isn't at all conventional, it is inherently the purpose of a 24 hour Walmart. If it were a normal Walmart, there wouldn't be any purpose of going past 1 o'clock. So, it is perfectly logical to say that leaving for a 24 hour Walmart is perfectly responsible action past 12 o'clock. This excursion also allowed me to hang out with Kevin, someone who I normally would not be able to hang out with under any other circumstances. It's rare that 3 guys of decently twisted lives and minds could get together in one car and drive off in the darkness of the night. That sounded corny, and slightly homosexual. Whatever. Now, the factors I see in this are social interactions and good old fashion fun with a dash of stress relief. If I end up buying some crap and saving a little money, fun. My parent threatens to take away my precious YuGiOh! cards to not hang out with my friends. She also threatens to remove the internet from this computer. That's all well and good. If I had to trade the internet and YuGiOh cards for my friends, I'd take my friends anyday. Not joking at all. Friends > YuGiOh. If I have to sell all of my YuGiOh cards and take away my internet so that I could hang out with my friends, so be it.
The second branched argument would be what "responsible" people do. Of course, that was already a part of the previous argument so the whole "taking away privileges" thing would be repetitive. However, it brings up another point. What was she trying to accomplish by having me? raise me into a fine human being? If I had to go through her to make every decision of my own, how would I ever grow up whole and be a a human being who can clearly say I can make my own decisions? Such a contradictory principle.
I'm over it now. Bao helped me realize that even had I won, given up those privileges, I would have been cheated out of them anyway. I only felt like I lost this fight because I gave in. I'm never one for giving in. But, I have conceded on this occasion to "cut the losses" per se. This apathy thing is really great for my mentality. It's affecting my judgment in strange ways. One of these days, I'm going to get the psych professors at UCI examine me. I'm sure I ahve a problem or two tucked away somewhere that I may or may not already be aware of. Today, I've trekked way off course on this beaten path, but I've finally found some eyes to see where I'm going.
And the wind brought Clive @ 2:08 AM
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Saturday, December 29, 2007 |
So I waited for my VDC just now. It's done. I got it. Probably in the complex I want too since I got there at friggin 7:30 in the morning. But it's sad. The husband, the roomie, and the Croatian didn't get VDC. Hell, The roomie didn't even hit VDCN. That makes me hella sad. So next year, it'll have to be like a repeat of this year. I have to make all new friends with the people I live with. I have to get used to the new habits and new attitudes of people. It'll be nothing new. Just awkward. I love adversity and finding out about myself an everything, but damn it all, I want some constancy, or closure, or whatever society allows tired, old people to have. I'm not old, but it'd be nice to have that kind of privilege once in a while. THIS IS ONE OF THEM. Goodness.
Tonight, I'll brave the LGBT organization on campus. Kayleen, I love you, but I seriously hate you for making me go. Why are you such an influence on my life? Why do you make me feel like I'm necessary in this world? I love you. Change for the better, but never change for me.
In other news, this serious crush thing is really killing me. I have to stop crushing on certain people, especially when that certain person is definitely NOT interested "-_-;;"
I need to get on task. This paper will murder me, I'm sure of it. Jane Austen needs to stop posting work posthumously.
Later days. Lights out.
And the wind brought Clive @ 9:42 AM
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Tuesday, December 04, 2007 |
Why is it that I can never work on a paper? I'm never motivated to write things like that. Damn. I take too much emotion based decisions. Someone stop me =[
And the wind brought Clive @ 5:28 AM
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Monday, December 03, 2007 |
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