I've been at college for a while now, and I think it's about time that I post something about it. I've come to realize a lot of things about college, and that it's not really possible to keep it short and simple. There's no really easy way to say it, but for sure, it's a lot of ups and downs, joys and disappointments, laughs and frustrations. It's the little things that count, and I've come to appreciate that.
A major influence on me since I got here is hip hop. It's basically shaped the way I live. Hip hop is a family ordeal, and it's always been this way. Have I only started to realize this? On some levels, yea. I've always danced with the innate thought that I'm doing this for myself, that it's my dance and my ability that matters to me. I've been having the hardest time trying to fight off this feeling of incompetence because I've always been around people a lot better than me. While this has made me a better dancer in general, it definitely hasn't helped my self esteem any. At the collegiate level, everyone here is some measure of "good." It all comes down to the dedication, the attitude, and the passion. I definitely have dedication and passion, but apparently, my attitude poses a problem.
What, exactly, is wrong with me?
I'm a person who likes to be honest with people. While my actions and tendencies towards certain activities may seem otherwise, as a human being, I'm pretty honest. The people I lie to most often though, are my friends. I have this strange tendency as a person, to make friends with anyone no matter what reason to get to know them. However, the problem with me starts after I get to know the person. I change slowly, every day. I can't help it, it happens to everyone. I'm not some fake person, I'm not uptight, I'm simply in a state where it's not possible to feel on a constant basis. I just let my instincts take over, and when I surface for sanity, I feel a just a little.
A little bit a time.
So the more I interact with people, the more I realize how distant I am to that person. It doesn't occur right away, and these past weeks, I realize there's a person that fits exactly into this situation. It's not I hate this person, but it makes me sad that I'm growing further and further away from him. It's really been bugging me that I can't come out and say it because my instincts are still yelling that he's a friend, that I shouldn't say anything. It's so hard.
It's just so hard to sort things out.
I also don't know how I stand with dance anymore. It's such a huge part of my life now that I really don't know how I'll keep going without a family to turn to for this. I joined Chinese Association in hopes that I could make it into CADC, their dance crew. I've known that that's where I wanted to be ever since I got to UCI. It was my goal, my reach, my dream. My SPOPer and my big sis are both in it, and it's I've been given a huge incentive to join them. When I didn't make it, it crushed me to no end. I was so depressed, thinking that I was completely worthless. Having my two group mates bail on me last minute didn't really help the issue any. As much as I wanted to deny it, I have no one to blame but myself. If I decided that it was what I was going to do, and try for it hard enough, I would have wasted less time and actually done so much more.
Much more creativity, energy, and passion.
It started with passion for dance. Now, these weeks have taught me the level of dedication that I would need to maintain in order for me to make it to the next level. Attitude is the last thing, and it's something that I apparently have to learn. I don't like to lie, but I have everything to gain doing it. It's not who I am, but it's what I want. This conflict kills me to no end.
I have no idea.
I don't like how everything here seems so fake, it's a whole different thing when it's person to person, but when it's what's expected in an institution where family "acceptance" and OTHERS' opinions are what's important, there's no end to the means that people will go through to gain favor. If I do this, does that make me a dirty person? Dishonest? Fake, even? Despite my truest wants to be honest, will I eventually have to sink this low in order for me to gain favor and attain my goals? It's tearing me down mentally, bit by bit. Little by little. One day I wasn't sure of my dance but was certain that I was going into it with the best attitude possible. Now I'm a lot more confident in my dance but and completely shaky in the ground I stand on in terms of the attitude I have to take on it.
Thanks.
(I don't want anymore controversy started because of the things I write, so I'm taking the liberty of retracting my statements from before. If you were offended, I'm sorry. It's not my place to talk about how I feel about something when it's bigger than I am.)
What's the deal now then? I changed, and hopefully for the better. My experience these past 2 months have taught me what I really want. It has spurned my desire to excel, to improve, to pay in blood, sweat, and tears to better myself. As of now, I'll stay real with my CA Family. ElenaH, Baky, Koochie, I love the three of you. You guys are the best models I could possibly come across this freshman year. I look forward to getting to know all of you, you're such awesome people. There's also Heidi, Addie, and Mikey. All of you have so much of my love, you don't even know.
You guys have no idea. <3
Other people that I need to recognize now in my time here are Derrick, Garrett, Filip, Emily R, Elena, Emily N, and Amy. Without all of you, I don't know how I can possibly survive this school.
Derrick: Out of all the people, you're the least likely to read this. Do I care? No. Do you care? Prolly not. You remind me of myself in the early years of high school. Having you here is like a constant reminder of what I was. It hurts, it makes me laugh, and cry, but it's oh so good. That cynicism is something I wish would never change about you. We're Facebook married for a reason bitch, and having you around is like reminding myself what a bitch I could still be. I love you for that.
Garrett, my awesome roomie: I admit I do talk about you a lot, mainly about how white you are and how some of your antics are so funny. Your lack of Asian-ness is seriously the thing I have to thank you for. I could not ask for a better adjusting person than you in a million years. You're considerate (sometimes to a fault), you're able to stand my obnoxious self, and you tolerate my antics. I swear, one of these days, I'm giving you a medal.
Fil: You're the obligatory conservative white guy that I just can't help but love. You can stand me, and I love the nerdy level we connect on. Goodness, it must have something to do with where we come from. You give me this profound insight at times, and your pick-me-ups are the best part about you. I think you have some inherent ability to see what a certain person needs most from you and you go on it. THat's a rare gift, and I'm glad you have it.
Boobies: You're just what you are. Hugs and presence aside, you're there for me and I'm there for you. Everything's going to work out fine. I know it. You could stand to be a happier person if you took a firmer position on things. You do things like I do sometimes, but it seems like you don't realize why it works some times and no others. It's force of will and confidence. You have it, and I know it. Think for yourself, and stand up for the things you want, it'll make you so much happier, and that's the first of many things I wish for you.
Elena: If not for Del Mar, we wouldn't have even met. You're the most down to earth girl here, and the sheer fact that I can connect with you most should signal why we don't have to talk as much and still connect as well as with anybody else. Everything I say now, you could probably have said as well. QUIT SMOKING. We're all good now. I shall not think about Hookah as compensation, just to make the game fair. Rock on, girl.
Em: Seriously, Of the shit I said up top, you could prolly connect to that stuff the most. Though how much hate and sadness you have are prolly nowhere near as strong as mine. Even then, getting to know you through these times made me happy I threw myself into anything in the first place. Thanks for giving me my next opportunity and showing me how to move forward.
Amy: I knew I was going to love you from the moment I met you. As of right now, your balance is what I love, and need from you. You help me work out my pessimism and maintain that I'm worth something. Though you're one of the people I consider to be so above me, I feel completely safe with you in terms of judgment and patience. This sense of security is something I only feel from you, and it's truly unique to me. Much, much love.
Hell, all these people will prolly never read this. But do I really care? Not really. I just needed to pour all this out because I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't. Bits and pieces of my life are in these words. And in reflection, these glimpses mean more to me than anything else since I got here.
My bits and pieces.
Lights out. Later days.
And the wind brought Clive @ 2:14 PM
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Wednesday, October 31, 2007 |
