Wow. No seriously, wow.
I think something like 20 minutes ago I as random and was blissfully free of worries.
Now I have somethng that makes me feel like shit. I feel like I somehow betrayed myself, not to sound overly melodramatic, but it is. I feel like such an idiot, still worrying about Victor. But seriously, when you care about someone, it's always the question of whether or not you want that person to be happyor not, or rather have them safe.
So, a US Army recruiter called my house just now. Naturally, he asked me the normal set of competency questions, wondering whether I needed collegiate aid. While I may not be all THAT smart, I'm guessing something about the "AP Calculus AB" turned him away almost immediately. So he went on to ask if I knew anyone else that would be interested.
Why didn't I just say no?
Well, I suppose since I can't have him, he can still at least be happy. Helping him along was the right choice at a snap decision moment. Though I'm starting to think that was a bad choice now.
You win, Victor. You wouldn't force me away, you wouldn't give my conscience some slack, and even now, even after all the times I said I'd forget and get over you, this stuff forces me to think about you time and time again. How is that fair? Seriously tell me. How? I waited 9 months for some sort of sign or reply last time. How do I make up for all that lost time?
Please. Please let my conscience go. Make it so that I'll have no reason left to dwell on you.
I love you, but I know I just can't.
And the wind brought Clive @ 7:24 PM
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Wednesday, October 11, 2006 |
