Well, this blogger is kind of like a second, commentless LJ now huh? I remember back when I used this blogger so much it was kinna sad. Then again, I was such a stupid little kid that I can pass everything off as immaturity. So, Clive needs to do something with this blog, the one that's chronicled the semi-importat evens of Clive's life since 7th or 8th grade or so. I consider those the most pivitol aprts of my life, and by god I'm not going to delete them until Blogger decides to shut down. In which case I'll spend days copying and pasting my stupidity into word documents to preserve on my harddisk and let my future spouse/ boyfriend/ girlfriend/ children/ grandchildren go through it and say "Wow, he/ dad/ grampa was such a funny little kid back then!" So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, there's no way I'm deleting this blog, even though no one will ever read it. In essence, that's a good thing, because as of today, I'm going to make this a sort of private journal. All the semi-important ranty stuff can go in the LJ, but all the good stuff will remain here, in the place where I feel the most at peace with who I am, and not what other people "comment" about. I'll start this with a good one.
About 9 months ago, after Clive had a little obsession with one Simon Duong, 15 (back then), from London, I felt like I didn't have enough in my life. As a result, I went after the closest "nice guy" I can find. And I guess that person just happened to be Victor Yuan. Cute, shy, somewhat awkward Victor Yuan. Yes I judge, we all do. Perhaps I was a little unfair in judging, but I'm a very private person in terms of my judgments. You won't know I hate you until I actually get in your face and yell.
But I digress.
Victor then, would be a sort of rebound. After being disillusioned to see the impossibility of a relationship with an immature 15 year old 5000 miles across the Atlantic ocean, I realized that to achieve any potential sort of relationship in my life, I'm going to have to stay closer to home. I don't really know why or how I fell for Victor, but the fact of the matter was, I've fallen. Fallen hard. He knows this, only because he was told this last year, near Christmas time, when I told him right out "Victor Yuan, I think I like you, a lot." He answered the only way he really knew how "Yea, I kind of figured...but uhm, I'm not like that anymore." I can't force people to like me in that way or in any way, so I just shrugged it off and tried to move on.
That's when I realized I couldn't.
A rebound, you get over, fine. As of today, it's almost been 10 months. I crush over people for the longest time. And I start to wonder, maybe it's not just a crush, maybe it was something more, and the other people I've crushed on before aren't anything but little (or not so littel) infatuations. People like David Zhao, Simon, and now Michael Garcia (haha). Victor remains the one person I go back to, despite all infatuations. I've convinced myself that I indeed love him. It might end up being one of those "high school things." But this is the feeling I've felt the most real about since...well...Kai. That I'm not going to get into.
Over the past years of my life, I've learned to trust my dreams. Last night's only confirmed that what I had was more. By the way Simon, if you ever read this, and I know you never will, since you're still the immature little kid, I lied to you in that letter. The things we do when we're infatuated. I never dreamt jack about you, but I don't regret writing you taht letter, since in the end, it did you some good, helping you come out of the perverbial closet.
I digress again.
Last night's dream was a little blurry. BUT. The most important parts I remember. And damn, it felt good to remember it. The beginning I don't remember so well, I think I walked/ran to his house, rang his doorbell, and we went out. I was in his car, and the next thing I remember, we were on the curb by my house on Gomes road. We were driving then or something, and we got to the end of Gomes road. But then instead of the end of the street being that weird Christian Science Reading Room or something, it was like a clearing with a fence, over looking a huge, huge field where I think there were kids or some random people playing. Playing like, chasing people around playing. The car was kept running, and I just kind of started, I was like, "Victor, I have something to tell you..." And he looked at me like he expected it. I continued "So it's been like, 10 months since I told you that I like you, and yea..." I stopped looking at him and looked down at myself, "...I still do." And he just kept looking at me like he knew all the words that were going to come out of my mouth. But I kept going, "I know you're not really like taht anymore, but I can't help myself, you know? If you're going to put me down this time too, just please, do it as hard as you can, like, don't be so nice about it, please. I'm begging you. I don't know how I can handle any more of this..." I think I wanted to cry, but I just wouldn't. That feeling was there. And I turned to look at Victor, and this time, he's got his head sort of down and thinking. I think this is where my subconscious is supplyiong me with the fact that he's going to have to think about either tking me as a boyfriend or losing me as a good friend, period. Thank you subconscious. I looked at him for the longest time, and when he looked back at me again, he said...
Wait, I remember the beginning now.
I was at my computer, and I read something in his LJ or his AIM profile (which was weird because he never uses the two anymore.) It said "I think I almost love you, but I just don't know." Well, that was the jist of it. Well, fast forward. He says the exact words to me at this point, in the car, over looking that freaking Polly Anna field, so sunny, so flowery, and oh so nice. And my heart was out the window. I told him "You can have all the time you need..." And he said to me "I think I really do love you." I leaned in to kiss him...on the cheek, heh. And told him, I swear you won't regret taking me. And I leaned on his shoulder. Kinna weird now that I think back on it since there's all that crap in between the drivers' and passengers' seat, but I mangaged it somehow. We drove back, he dropped me off by my house, and I walked out with a smile on my face, feeling like a million bucks, as Victor drove off towards Paseo Padre.
I learn to trust these thingss. I think my brain was telling me how this would be the most ideal, msot romantic possible scenario I could have (despite the geographical inaccuracies). And this was a fairwell gift for my love to Victor, since I'm fully expecting that he reject me as nicely as possible, refusing me even my own masochistic pleasure of having him hate me.
The declaration? I love Victor Yuan. And as of 10/1/06, I still do.
I think that's everything I want to say. Goodbye people, and if you've read up to this point, thank you. Feel for me, but please, don't think of me.
And the wind brought Clive @ 1:28 PM
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Sunday, October 01, 2006 |
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