Wow. Seriously. I'm feeling unappreciated, really. No, I'm not an ego freak, but sometimes it sucks major when you try to help, and people just seem to either not care, or regard you as "in the way." Do I need to help? No. Do I try to? Yea. Do I have better things to do with my life? Most probably. Then why do I want to help random friends with random shit at random times? Because I feel like it. I help people before I help myself (most of the time anyway). It's one of those emo cases where I ask myself "Why do I even bother? I'm sick and tired (both literally) and yet still toss myself into these things." I think people need help when they don't know how to prioritize and analyze their own situations. It's kind of ironic since I'm completely unorganized, but at least I know what has to be done, so I suggest as such. So I'm thinking next time people ask me for help, they can expect a "break me, I have a life too." Don't go acting all high and mighty because you think you're always right and that I must be wrong. If you feel the need to be reaffirmed by a third opinion before you actually believe anything I say, I'll just stay silent and screw you over. If that brings me down too, woe for me.
Get a life that doesn't involve you being at the center of everything. Not everything revolves around you, and I certainly don't have to waste my time being in your vicinity. If you need to get your shit together, then do it. If you can't even realize your own predicament, don't expect people to hear you complain.
P.S. This doesn't apply to just 1 person, though I know from the way I wrote it, several people will get defensive. I'm just that kind of demagogue.
And the wind brought Clive @ 11:08 PM
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Tuesday, October 31, 2006 |
HOLY FUCK. TAKE A WOODEN STAKE DRIVE IT THROUGH MY HEART ALREDY.
Oh my god. I embarassed myself SO badly. Thanks DeAnn.
And the wind brought Clive @ 10:49 PM
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Wednesday, October 11, 2006 |
Wow. No seriously, wow.
I think something like 20 minutes ago I as random and was blissfully free of worries.
Now I have somethng that makes me feel like shit. I feel like I somehow betrayed myself, not to sound overly melodramatic, but it is. I feel like such an idiot, still worrying about Victor. But seriously, when you care about someone, it's always the question of whether or not you want that person to be happyor not, or rather have them safe.
So, a US Army recruiter called my house just now. Naturally, he asked me the normal set of competency questions, wondering whether I needed collegiate aid. While I may not be all THAT smart, I'm guessing something about the "AP Calculus AB" turned him away almost immediately. So he went on to ask if I knew anyone else that would be interested.
Why didn't I just say no?
Well, I suppose since I can't have him, he can still at least be happy. Helping him along was the right choice at a snap decision moment. Though I'm starting to think that was a bad choice now.
You win, Victor. You wouldn't force me away, you wouldn't give my conscience some slack, and even now, even after all the times I said I'd forget and get over you, this stuff forces me to think about you time and time again. How is that fair? Seriously tell me. How? I waited 9 months for some sort of sign or reply last time. How do I make up for all that lost time?
Please. Please let my conscience go. Make it so that I'll have no reason left to dwell on you.
I love you, but I know I just can't.
And the wind brought Clive @ 7:24 PM
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Clive has concluded that he has OCD.
Dude, or some wird mix of ADHD and and OCD. It's crazy, y'all.
I like listening to songs I used to like, and like them ALLLLLL over again. XD!
Wow, this post is as random as they get "O_o"
And the wind brought Clive @ 7:14 PM
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Wow, I sorta cracked today. It was really off. One moment I was high, and the next moment, it was pressure x50, and I get emo, and wham I'm pissed. I think I'm getting PMS. But dude that make no effin sense since I'm a GUY. Wtf mayte.
In other news, Van Deusen needs to take his paranoia and work ethic and SHOVE.IT.UP.HIS.ASS.
This has been your public service announcement, brought to you by Clive Chan.
Have a wonderful ritalin-high day.
And the wind brought Clive @ 12:24 AM
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Monday, October 09, 2006 |
I find myself working to the wee hours of morning because I procrastinate so much. Damn I suck.
And the wind brought Clive @ 2:50 AM
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Friday, October 06, 2006 |
About 2 weeks ago, a certain cute Filipino guy walked into night class. Clive zoned in instantly to his awkward, dorky, yet cute appeal.
A week later, he talked to the cute Filipino boy thanks to DeAnn, and subsequently got his SN.
Today, he asked for my number. I got his too.
Oh Clive, how far do you think you can go with Mike? Michael Garcia who isn't Spanish, XD.
And the wind brought Clive @ 12:34 AM
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Thursday, October 05, 2006 |
You know, the reason I picked up choreography was because it was fun. That and it was an awesome way to "excercise" since there's no PE these days. I don't play a sport, I don't like watching it, and hell, I could care less about what other people think of what I do.
But you just never really get over the feeling that people see you as inferior.
And the wind brought Clive @ 7:23 PM
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Tuesday, October 03, 2006 |
I expected the worst case scenario, and there I got it. I hate it when I'm right. It leaves me so...empty.
And the wind brought Clive @ 5:03 PM
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Monday, October 02, 2006 |
Well, this blogger is kind of like a second, commentless LJ now huh? I remember back when I used this blogger so much it was kinna sad. Then again, I was such a stupid little kid that I can pass everything off as immaturity. So, Clive needs to do something with this blog, the one that's chronicled the semi-importat evens of Clive's life since 7th or 8th grade or so. I consider those the most pivitol aprts of my life, and by god I'm not going to delete them until Blogger decides to shut down. In which case I'll spend days copying and pasting my stupidity into word documents to preserve on my harddisk and let my future spouse/ boyfriend/ girlfriend/ children/ grandchildren go through it and say "Wow, he/ dad/ grampa was such a funny little kid back then!" So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, there's no way I'm deleting this blog, even though no one will ever read it. In essence, that's a good thing, because as of today, I'm going to make this a sort of private journal. All the semi-important ranty stuff can go in the LJ, but all the good stuff will remain here, in the place where I feel the most at peace with who I am, and not what other people "comment" about. I'll start this with a good one.
About 9 months ago, after Clive had a little obsession with one Simon Duong, 15 (back then), from London, I felt like I didn't have enough in my life. As a result, I went after the closest "nice guy" I can find. And I guess that person just happened to be Victor Yuan. Cute, shy, somewhat awkward Victor Yuan. Yes I judge, we all do. Perhaps I was a little unfair in judging, but I'm a very private person in terms of my judgments. You won't know I hate you until I actually get in your face and yell.
But I digress.
Victor then, would be a sort of rebound. After being disillusioned to see the impossibility of a relationship with an immature 15 year old 5000 miles across the Atlantic ocean, I realized that to achieve any potential sort of relationship in my life, I'm going to have to stay closer to home. I don't really know why or how I fell for Victor, but the fact of the matter was, I've fallen. Fallen hard. He knows this, only because he was told this last year, near Christmas time, when I told him right out "Victor Yuan, I think I like you, a lot." He answered the only way he really knew how "Yea, I kind of figured...but uhm, I'm not like that anymore." I can't force people to like me in that way or in any way, so I just shrugged it off and tried to move on.
That's when I realized I couldn't.
A rebound, you get over, fine. As of today, it's almost been 10 months. I crush over people for the longest time. And I start to wonder, maybe it's not just a crush, maybe it was something more, and the other people I've crushed on before aren't anything but little (or not so littel) infatuations. People like David Zhao, Simon, and now Michael Garcia (haha). Victor remains the one person I go back to, despite all infatuations. I've convinced myself that I indeed love him. It might end up being one of those "high school things." But this is the feeling I've felt the most real about since...well...Kai. That I'm not going to get into.
Over the past years of my life, I've learned to trust my dreams. Last night's only confirmed that what I had was more. By the way Simon, if you ever read this, and I know you never will, since you're still the immature little kid, I lied to you in that letter. The things we do when we're infatuated. I never dreamt jack about you, but I don't regret writing you taht letter, since in the end, it did you some good, helping you come out of the perverbial closet.
I digress again.
Last night's dream was a little blurry. BUT. The most important parts I remember. And damn, it felt good to remember it. The beginning I don't remember so well, I think I walked/ran to his house, rang his doorbell, and we went out. I was in his car, and the next thing I remember, we were on the curb by my house on Gomes road. We were driving then or something, and we got to the end of Gomes road. But then instead of the end of the street being that weird Christian Science Reading Room or something, it was like a clearing with a fence, over looking a huge, huge field where I think there were kids or some random people playing. Playing like, chasing people around playing. The car was kept running, and I just kind of started, I was like, "Victor, I have something to tell you..." And he looked at me like he expected it. I continued "So it's been like, 10 months since I told you that I like you, and yea..." I stopped looking at him and looked down at myself, "...I still do." And he just kept looking at me like he knew all the words that were going to come out of my mouth. But I kept going, "I know you're not really like taht anymore, but I can't help myself, you know? If you're going to put me down this time too, just please, do it as hard as you can, like, don't be so nice about it, please. I'm begging you. I don't know how I can handle any more of this..." I think I wanted to cry, but I just wouldn't. That feeling was there. And I turned to look at Victor, and this time, he's got his head sort of down and thinking. I think this is where my subconscious is supplyiong me with the fact that he's going to have to think about either tking me as a boyfriend or losing me as a good friend, period. Thank you subconscious. I looked at him for the longest time, and when he looked back at me again, he said...
Wait, I remember the beginning now.
I was at my computer, and I read something in his LJ or his AIM profile (which was weird because he never uses the two anymore.) It said "I think I almost love you, but I just don't know." Well, that was the jist of it. Well, fast forward. He says the exact words to me at this point, in the car, over looking that freaking Polly Anna field, so sunny, so flowery, and oh so nice. And my heart was out the window. I told him "You can have all the time you need..." And he said to me "I think I really do love you." I leaned in to kiss him...on the cheek, heh. And told him, I swear you won't regret taking me. And I leaned on his shoulder. Kinna weird now that I think back on it since there's all that crap in between the drivers' and passengers' seat, but I mangaged it somehow. We drove back, he dropped me off by my house, and I walked out with a smile on my face, feeling like a million bucks, as Victor drove off towards Paseo Padre.
I learn to trust these thingss. I think my brain was telling me how this would be the most ideal, msot romantic possible scenario I could have (despite the geographical inaccuracies). And this was a fairwell gift for my love to Victor, since I'm fully expecting that he reject me as nicely as possible, refusing me even my own masochistic pleasure of having him hate me.
The declaration? I love Victor Yuan. And as of 10/1/06, I still do.
I think that's everything I want to say. Goodbye people, and if you've read up to this point, thank you. Feel for me, but please, don't think of me.
And the wind brought Clive @ 1:28 PM
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Sunday, October 01, 2006 |
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