Sometimes I think it's a blessing from beyond that I don't like LJ or Xanga. No one gets to comment, or at the very least, I don't have to know about it. It's days like today that make me want to close up, or wish I was elsewhere, even when I'm perfectly content with where I am in life. Why do I have these random bouts of angst? Lets begin with how I started my day.
I woke up at roughly 10am, slightly mussed, slightly aggrivated, slightly depressed. It was the last day before school started again. Who wouldn't be a little depressed? I slept at around 3am the night before, without a shower. I just kinda got home and plopped down to bed, so my hair wasn't giving me the best of moods either. On top of all taht, I was freezing. Joyful. Then of course, there was that. I'm not really feeling the love, or any love, or anything at all.
So there I was, somewhat grimy, freezing, still in my clothes from the night before, and sad. I think I laid there until 10:30 or 11. Don't remember when exactly. Just...thinking. Damn, I tell myself, I still have about 50 pages of french left to read. And Damn, I feel like shit right now. Most prevailant, however, was me and this little voice I call Self Pity. SP was talking to me. Or rather, I was thinking, so I was talking to myself. I find that thinking to myself gives me these joyful little epitomies that just make my day. End sarcasm. I'm a sad, sad person. Pathetic really. I waste myself away being a useless person doing pointless things. Joyful. It's really just this empty feeling, where my heart is supposed to be, it's like that void is there, and it hurts like a bitch. On second thought, it could also be heartburn or indigestion, but I could really care less. So I'm feeling empty. Alright. That's settled. And what do I do? Grab the closest pillow (I only have one), curl into a ball (partially because I was freezing), and escape into my mind (the whole "I don't want to deal with the world" spiel). And yea, that was until around 11, when I drag myself out of bed, feeling totally unconvinced taht I won't wallow in more self pity, to take a shower. I needed some hot water, the sheets weren't keeping me warm at all. Neither were my jeans and Tshirt. Joyful.
Half and hour later (mostly because my hair is a bitch), I was out. Not quite cold anymore, just...somewhat out of my mind. I was giddy, and I pushed everything back. Today would be a decent day at least, or so I tell myself. Sad truth was, decent was the best it could've been.
And then comes now. Well, the whole experience. I have stress, but so does everyone. And add that onto the feeling where the world is crashing down on you. Oh yes, let's not forget about the empty void where my heart is. Or heartburn. Or indigestion. Whatever. T'was a joyful day. Perfectly, decently joyful.
I cry at the superficiality.
GonE
And the wind brought Clive @ 12:14 AM
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Monday, November 28, 2005 |
