Sometimes I think it's a blessing from beyond that I don't like LJ or Xanga. No one gets to comment, or at the very least, I don't have to know about it. It's days like today that make me want to close up, or wish I was elsewhere, even when I'm perfectly content with where I am in life. Why do I have these random bouts of angst? Lets begin with how I started my day.
I woke up at roughly 10am, slightly mussed, slightly aggrivated, slightly depressed. It was the last day before school started again. Who wouldn't be a little depressed? I slept at around 3am the night before, without a shower. I just kinda got home and plopped down to bed, so my hair wasn't giving me the best of moods either. On top of all taht, I was freezing. Joyful. Then of course, there was that. I'm not really feeling the love, or any love, or anything at all.
So there I was, somewhat grimy, freezing, still in my clothes from the night before, and sad. I think I laid there until 10:30 or 11. Don't remember when exactly. Just...thinking. Damn, I tell myself, I still have about 50 pages of french left to read. And Damn, I feel like shit right now. Most prevailant, however, was me and this little voice I call Self Pity. SP was talking to me. Or rather, I was thinking, so I was talking to myself. I find that thinking to myself gives me these joyful little epitomies that just make my day. End sarcasm. I'm a sad, sad person. Pathetic really. I waste myself away being a useless person doing pointless things. Joyful. It's really just this empty feeling, where my heart is supposed to be, it's like that void is there, and it hurts like a bitch. On second thought, it could also be heartburn or indigestion, but I could really care less. So I'm feeling empty. Alright. That's settled. And what do I do? Grab the closest pillow (I only have one), curl into a ball (partially because I was freezing), and escape into my mind (the whole "I don't want to deal with the world" spiel). And yea, that was until around 11, when I drag myself out of bed, feeling totally unconvinced taht I won't wallow in more self pity, to take a shower. I needed some hot water, the sheets weren't keeping me warm at all. Neither were my jeans and Tshirt. Joyful.
Half and hour later (mostly because my hair is a bitch), I was out. Not quite cold anymore, just...somewhat out of my mind. I was giddy, and I pushed everything back. Today would be a decent day at least, or so I tell myself. Sad truth was, decent was the best it could've been.
And then comes now. Well, the whole experience. I have stress, but so does everyone. And add that onto the feeling where the world is crashing down on you. Oh yes, let's not forget about the empty void where my heart is. Or heartburn. Or indigestion. Whatever. T'was a joyful day. Perfectly, decently joyful.
I cry at the superficiality.
GonE
And the wind brought Clive @ 12:14 AM
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Monday, November 28, 2005 |
Thanksgiving dinner was nothing overly eventful, though I'll highlight a couple of things.
1. I'm SO detached from my family.
2. The conversation has gotten so...scholastic...
3. Bonnie. Yes, BONNIE complimented on my hair. (which is just...hair)
4. Did I already say Bonnie complimented on something?
5. Michelle being oh so in sync with Bonnie. (doubly freaky)
6. Somewhat silent Nicole. (Creepy, I tell you...)
7. Annie, highlights? wow.
8. Annie, 2 seconds hm? I suppose that's "girl-talk" for 20 minutes.
9. Can we say too much fat in our meats? And you fry it some more? With MORE oil? Damn...
10. Kickass apple crumb.
11. 75% of this little gatherineg was spent bonding with Sarah, my most awesome aunt. If anyone understands my shit, it'd be her.
12. Forc once, we didn't bring home any food. Shock.
And yea, that was it.
As for today. I DON'T want to talk about how I so nicely wasted MY black friday. Thanks a lot, Margie.
GonE
Ps. As for you, yes you. I'm willing to wait. If you're reading this, which I doubt, I'll wait.
And the wind brought Clive @ 9:09 PM
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Friday, November 25, 2005 |
Im a fucking ingrate. Be grateful for something? How about how bullshit this world is? That's joyful, ain't it?
And the wind brought Clive @ 11:55 AM
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Thursday, November 24, 2005 |
I like to juxtapose my thoughts.
I'm a wreck. A total wreck.
It took me so much to tear myself away.
It took me so much to admit to myself it wasn't mine to have.
So I threw whatever I had away, I've had it.
Somehow, I dragged myself out. Somehow.
Then I went and fell again. Fell right again.
Why do I do these things to myself?
I'm weak and I'm ignorant. Bad combination.
I'm a shameless fool. Even worse combination.
I'm totally inept at seeing what I've wanted from other people.
I'm impulsive. Love is impulsive. Life is impulsive.
What a striking combination indeed.
It's a tree and a branch, you say?
Yea, and then some.
I hate my own attitude.
I hate the person I've become.
You told me to be myself, to be original, to be happy.
I'm trying, seriously!
Can you see me right now?
Can you see me even if I don't believe in Heaven or Hell?
Can't you see the person I've become?
Aren't you proud of me?
And you, can you ever forgive me?
I've done it again, I know. I know you hate me, and it'll never stop.
I just know. Even if death absolves all sins, I'm not dead yet.
I don't plan to be.
I don't WANT to be.
That's selfish, I know. But can you spare this wreck of a soul some mercy?
I came. I loved. I grieved. I leave a piece of me behind each time.
I'm running out of pieces.
Everything closes in. Immesurable.
I still feel everything, but I'm only feeling pain right now.
You? Weak? I'm moreso than you.
You. Fool? I'm moreso than you.
You! Naive? Yes. Innocent? Oh so much.
But the fact remains I'm weaker and more foolish than you.
All of you.
I'm the weakest link in everything, huh?
I hate the person I've become, though I can't say I hate my life.
What a hypocrite.
I'm just that kind of person.
Take it or leave it, world. Take it or leave it.
I think I'll leave, thanks. So you can't even take me in.
I'm just like that.
You're right, I was stupid, I went about it too quickly.
I want to kill myself for doing it now.
But really. How was I supposed to contain myself any longer?
My life, my love, my being. Impulsive.
I just couldn't do it. I'm sorry.
I have so much apologizing to do.
So, so much apologizing to do.
One: For you, who I first fell in love with, my oh so naive self.
Two: For you, who told me to be original, to made me into what I am.
I still follow your sage words today.
I hope you're smiling at me.
Three: For you, who I unwittingly betrayed. I apologize.
My heart was pure, my intentions not quite so.
Overlook my moment of insolence, I beg you.
Of all the people I apologize to, I apologize to you the most.
I beg for your eternal forgiveness. May I have damnation till then.
Four: For you who I unwittingly used. I apologize.
My heart was still pure, and this time, as penance, so were my intentions.
Five: For you, whose innocence and naivete I came to adore.
You had my heart, on it's rusting chains.
You had my soul, in its tattered garbs.
Though I'll never be your anything.
So I'm letting you go. I set you free.
And it's fine by me.
Six: For you whom I've befriended, and connected with.
I now know my place. I apologize for intruding into a two person tango.
Seven: For you to whom I confessed. I apologize.
I'm so weak, so naive. Forgive me too, for my moment of impulse.
There's so much I wanted to say, but it all came down to something so simple.
It came down to something so forced.
I hate myself for making it like this. I hate forcing you to make the choice.
You now have my heart, and might as well, soul.
I apologize for forcing them into your hands.
To you Seven, I ask that you accept my apology.
I hate me for all that I pull onto myself.
The broken shards are on the floor.
And so am I.
GonE.
And the wind brought Clive @ 6:49 PM
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Wednesday, November 23, 2005 |
Saw 2 with Victor and underclassmen yesterday. Everyone was so scared, LoL, I was just like "THIS GUY'S A GENIUS!!!" I think I'm the only guy who though the movie was awesome WITH the gore. Well, whatever, the bottomline was, it was awesome. And Victor, you don't owe me anything. You DO however, still need to pay me back 2 dollars, since i got us our tickets at student price =P.
Here are the 2 pictures taht came out fine, that weren't impromptu or correpted by my retarded CFCard:
So they were just trying to laugh it off, LoL, and apparently, we all "forgot" the movie except me, XDXD...
As for this one, Well, you know, we were messing around, XD. OLIVER! HOLD ME!!! Not, XD.
So yea, Monday turned out great. Today's just boring, i get to do hw. Joyful.
GonE.
And the wind brought Clive @ 1:37 PM
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Tuesday, November 22, 2005 |
This is just...stressful... I can't ever say what I want to say without being intruded on by other people... Though I don't blame anybody. I blame myself.
*This is the Emo portion of this programme*
Anyways, that's life, hm?
YUI - LIFE
Doro darake yo najime nai tokai de
Onaji you ni warae nai utsumuite aruita no
Isogi ashi de surechigau hito-tachi
“Yume wa kanai mashita ka?”
ATASHI mada MOGAite iru
Kodomo no goro ni modoru yori mo
Ima wo umaku ikite mitai yo
Kowagari wa umare tsuki
Hi no atari basho ni dete
Ryoute wo hirogete mita nara
Ano sora koete yukeru ka na?
Nante omottanda
Tobitatsu tame no tsubasa
Sore wa mada mie nai
KANTAN ni ika nai kara ikite yukeru
Nureta koinu hiroi ageta dakede
Chotto warae chau hodo
Namida ga koborete kita
Aisaretai aisaretai bakari
ATASHI itte ita yo ne
Motomeru dake ja dame ne
Kodomo no goro wa MAMA no koto
Hidoku kizutsuketa
Hi mo atta yo ne kawari tai
Ima zenbu
Hi no ataru basho ni dete
Kono te wo tsuyoku nigitte mitai
Ano basho ano toki wo kowashite
I can change my life
Demo kokoro no naka subete wo
Totemo tsutae kire nai
KANTAN ni ika nai kara
Ikite yukeru
Hi no ataru basho ni dete
Chizu wo hirogete miru kedo
I know... You know...
Mayoi michi mo shikata nai
I can change my life
Sugite kita hibi zenbu de
Ima no atashi nanda yo
KANTAN ni ika nai kara
Ikite yukeru
And the wind brought Clive @ 12:43 AM
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Monday, November 21, 2005 |
失落奧斯卡
-BLiSS
怎麼天生不會做戲
怎麼比心機也演不好角色
電影對遺憾是有太多劇情
今天他跟他作對手演戲
怎麼始終只有他當好角色
目睹他抱著你還難以平靜
是我大意沒有讓你看清他究竟
才將這刻你將我所說都變敷衍
求求你別再狠心說出仍還未決定
未太懂何解想你便會哭
只因我在你的 影背後做佈景無能力去當面說清
如果可以讓我講 他跟你在說謊
讓你可知得本來在演著戲
是我大意沒有讓你看清他究竟
才將這刻你將我所說都變敷衍
求求你別要甘心說跟他一起是註定
未太懂何解想你便會哭
只因我在你的 影背後做佈景無能力去當面說清
如果可以讓我講 他跟你在說謊
願你可知得他本來在玩把戲
如何能讓你牽我手臂
如何能學識捉摸心理
如何能面對單戀的奧秘
而你仍太神秘 而我如送死
何解想你便會哭 只因我在你的
影背後做佈景無能力去當面說清
如果可以讓我講 請准我嘗試帶走你
願你可擺脫傷心來尋另一雙臂
This song will serve as my way to end all this drama I brought onto myself. I don't deserve this, I don't deserve you. It's just not okay with me, being in the shadows all the time. You asked me what I was feeling. This song is a near perfect representation of how I feel. I'm sorry.
GonE
And the wind brought Clive @ 9:04 PM
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Tuesday, November 15, 2005 |
My random notes:
- Today was ok I guess. Hodin actually picked on me for not talking, even though I did participate and all that. Today was the first official day of Tutoring at Gomes, and My little thrid grader is SO cute. I swear, he's SO SO cute. His name is TJ and he can't remember the alphabet right =P. So adorable. He can't write his E's or F's either, which is something I need to teach him how to do; and he can't write on the lines or size/space his letters right (an "A" takes up as much space as an "a" and his writing is like "No, sh e do esnt wa nt to go.") Im gonna take a picture when I wrestle my camera away from my mom. She's being a bitch. Hell, the parentals have been a bitch since they found out I had a 78% in math. Fuck. Anyway...
- I can be a tattoo artist when I grow up, now show me that arm...
- I'll be getting 4 B's this quarter, 'cept for the stray C hanging out in math and the stray A haning out by DECA. Ain't it joyful? a 3.33GPA is JUST what I need.
- I don't think I have the mental energy to take this right now. It's that and I...I don't know how to say it. Hugo's right, you know, it just shouldn't hurt this much. Not like this. Not for something like this...
GonE
And the wind brought Clive @ 6:14 PM
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Wednesday, November 09, 2005 |
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