It occurs to me that there're some things in life that are inevitable.
I don't want to point any fingers.
I won't name any names.
But some people have just...drifted off.
I don't like to tell people things that make me sound like I'm supposed to be pitied over. But I suppose since this ultimately is the point of my post anyway, might as well.
It's hard for me to make friends. I have a hard-pressed belief that in order to be somebody, I have to be somebody unique. Call it an epiphany, call it getting my head out of my ass. Call it waht you will. I'm a drifter amongst the people. Where some people have one group of friends, some have 2 different ones, I have something like 6 or 7. I have groups of people that only know other "groups" as acquaintances and could care less about them. And guess what? I'm the weird drifter. People take me in because I'm unusual and I seem to like and hate half and half of everything the specific group likes or hates. Do I seem like I want pity? It's come to a point where I'm so confused at where I stand, that I'd rather be Nihilist and fuck the world.
Coming back to the point at hand, getting this attitude, I can't help but feel attached to some of my older friends. There's some of you I've known since grade school that I'm still friends with now. It stings when you become distant. It pisses me off when you don't understand me. It makes me seethe when you phase me out, and I don't say anything. Unless it's something that infracts on some part of my deranged psyche, I'll usually stay silent, nodding, smiling, doing the whole nice guy act. I'm fake, I know. I'm hypocritical, I know that too. Everytime one of your guys pull away, I lean towards my other, totally-not-related-to-you-in-any-way friends. Natural instinct, really, I really have drifter instincts. The thing is, when I actually process these things, like I'm doing now, I find that the more you guys drift away, the more I start realizing how I actually start hating you. Hate is an extreme word, and it's definitely the wrong wording here. But right now my fried brain can churn out no more sophisticated vocabulary. I hate you for leaving me behind, for going off and ignoring me. And I realize one main fact (this is the actual ephiphany part of this program, children): because of my eclectic self, I have good, old friends that will indubitably move in different directions, and I can do nothing to change it, being the soon-to-be-Nihilist that I am. So:
If you don't think of me as a significant being anymore, neither will I, no matter how good a friend I thought you were, and no matter how much it'll sting to lose you as a friend, good bye, it's been great, but I won't stop you from becoming who you'll be. Good luck with that. Ciao. Au Revoir. Sayonara. Adios. Adeus. Arrivederci. Auf Wiedersehen. Good. Bye.
It's time I striaghtened myself out with the rest of my social life, however fucked up it is.
It's fucking 2:30...I''ve got a splitting headache. Go me.
GonE
And the wind brought Clive @ 2:33 AM
|
Sunday, September 18, 2005 |
