Windswept Life

Am I a cloud in the Sky?
Blown by the wind.
Up so high...
Maybe it's why I like the rain so much.
It brings me back down to earth.

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I'm a 7 of Spades Higher than the average, of the greatest suit Odd and prime, unique but nothing special I win some and I lose some. I'm just another card in the deck. And the wind brought Clive @ 1:31 PM	Monday, November 26, 2012
It seems like I'm coming back to this thing again. It happens every other year or so. I'm just...sinking. Just sinking where's there's a choking feeling all around. It's suffocating. The last time I felt like this, I was just sad. Sad, and angry, and all the things I feel that I shouldn't feel, but do. I got over that though. I convinced myself that it was okay to be myself and that I wanted nothing and needed no one. I'm suffocating, sinking, and choking on my own conscience because now, I scare myself with how brutally efficiently I can lie to myself. This...this feels like it could end me. And the wind brought Clive @ 2:00 AM	Thursday, October 04, 2012
I think I need to start chronicling the songs I use to highlight my mentality. Last week, when I was crushing hard, it was Above and Beyond - Can't Sleep (Super8 and Tab Remix). Now, it is Above and Beyond - Thing Called Love (Mat Zo remix) I crashed a car and popped 2 tires. Damages for me, financially, equal $350. Mental, emotional, and psychological damages, however, are severe. Fuck. My. Life. I need a massage. And some serious help. And the wind brought Clive @ 10:54 AM	Sunday, April 17, 2011
Back to posting on this thing once in every half a year. Venting/coping tool be damned, dunno if it still works. ...I never want to feel anything like this for anyone ever again. Ever. And the wind brought Clive @ 9:35 AM	Monday, April 11, 2011
The Students of Color Conference was this weekend. These are some memorable quotes that highlight the past 72 hours. "But it's so big..." - Jia Yuan Li, in response to the size of a Freeb!rds quesarrito. "Girl, you aim too low!" - David Preciado, SOCC opening video "To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget." - Arundhati Roy, during the Hurricane Season excerpt "I seen some of you girls all sweaty and trippin like uh uh, you ain't classy tryna get into the club like that." "Now with blacker negroes!" - box cover of some racist porno. "Dude I need Freeb!rds..." - Ryan Abshire "That brownie destroyed me." - Darren Yee, in response to the space brownie. Needless to say, I had an awesome time. In other recent news, my phone has been jacked. Goddamn it. And the wind brought Clive @ 12:05 AM	Monday, November 22, 2010
I want to scream until I lose my voice, on top of Mission Peak, then at the Twin Peaks in San Francisco, then at the middle of Stoners' Circle here at Aldrich Park in UCI. Everything is too much right now. It's been so long since I posted. I know I promised to write more, to let out more, to share more, more frequently on this blog. It's supposed to be cathartic, but I just don't have the motivation to do it. Things happen. Shit hits the fan. I take collateral damage. Collateral damage seems to be the theme of this year. I want to pour it all out but I just can't right now. I know that when I look back on it even just a month from now, I'll realize how stupid this was, and that everything I felt was pretty pointless. Right now though, the world feels like a cat that wouldn't stop scratching a blackboard. I listen to metal when I'm hating the world. I listen to screamo when I'm hating myself. And the wind brought Clive @ 12:38 AM	Sunday, November 07, 2010
Works in Progress. I'll come back to them when it feels right. Leave it all alone Brush it off; that hand on your shoulder Keep it still, that beating heart Its just about time to let it out Scream...as if you didn't matter Scream...as the reality sets in High hazy fucked up crazy drive Where you think it is clear as day That the sun comes up and sets When it is no longer brilliant Then hides away at night in shame Singing the song that we sing to every morning The hymns that we dream to every night These dreams are filled with hope They desperately hold onto the dark of night Running away to security When the world below gives way Leaving it all behind was just too easy Now scream...the down kicks hard Now scream...the rage is raw In that high hazy fucked up crazy drive... How many words do we speak in life? How many phrases, sentences, lines unmentioned Do we give voice to the silent? But when silence puts the tense in your sentences And fear makes you afraid to speak clear phrases And words and lines make hurt and grind away at your conscience We take the little things apart Make us realize that real eyes miss those real lies Make us realize that careless words make people love you a little less That every mistake is learned from And the wind brought Clive @ 8:35 PM	Monday, April 19, 2010
Man, things change and things stay the same. My blog entries are pretty damn sparse now. But I still use it to procrastinate like an idiot, even with an assignment looming over my head, due in an hour and a half. So much is happening. I'm throwing myself into so many different things to keep busy, it's crazy. I think I lose sight of too much these days, so I'm going to start using this blog as a jumping off point in introspection. On a seriously note, that day is coming up later this month, which means it's close to 8 years now. That'll prolly get some mention in the next weeks. But on a lighter note, I also feel that this blog needs to lighten up a bit. Poetry is cool and all, but it gets pretty deep quick. So I'm going to add music to the list of things. I'm a nostalgic person, but also an open minded one. The music I listen to is pretty random, but hey, that just means there's something for everybody. Here we go! CD's: The Hoosiers: The Trick to Life (Electro Pop, UK, 2008) - British electropop in it's maturing stages. Great sampling, ridiculously catchy sound, awesome vocals. If you ever enjoyed Panic! at the Disco, you'll love The Hoosiers. Ferry Corsten - Twice in a Blue Moon (Progressive Trance, Netherlands, 2008) - A relatively new CD that just never seemed to leave my playlist. etdPopsicle was headlined by Ferry last year, and since then, this CD has been on my playlist. Nostalgia, what can I say? Anyone looking for an introduction into electronic dance music should appreciate Ferry. The rave child in me adores this album with a passion. The Visionaries - Pangaea (Hip hop, US, 2004) - I guess this is old, but I love their music. Swear. Socially conscious lyrics and sick beats. People who think hip hop and rap are stupid need to listen to the Visionaries before they judge. Bond - Classified (Classical Big Band, Australia, 2004) - This is something I've dug up from the annals of my high school days. I needed study music that wasn't trance. Modern Classical. For a quick intro in classical, listen to Bond. Tracks: [Asian] 4Minute - Muzik BLiSS - F.M. BLiSS - 失落奥斯卡 BLiSS - 活該 Boy`z - 手足 Brown Eyed Girls - Abracadabra DBSK - Mirotic DJ008 vs Coco Lee - 2090年再爱你 (Bilingual Remix) EO2 - 內疚 F.I.R. - Lydia Aya Hirano - God Knows (DJ Bouche Euro Mix) Hyuna ft. Poppin Dragon - Change Shunkan Sentimental - Scandal SNSD - Tell Me Your Wish (Genie) Sukima Switch - Golden Time Lover T-ara & Supernova - Time To Love Yui - Again [HipHop/R&B/Misc.] Jupiter Rising - Falling Away Cypress Hill vs. Classics IV - Insane in the Brain vs. Spooky Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova - Falling Slowly The Pussycat Dolls - Hush Hush Whitney Houston - Million Dollar Bill Wyclef Jean ft. MJB - 911 [Rock] Acceptance - So Contagious Norwegian Recycling - How Six Songs Collide 30 Seconds to Mars - Attack Anberlin - The Feel Good Drag Arctic Monkeys - When The Sun Goes Down Bright Eyes - Lover I don't Have to Love Chronic Future - New York, NY ELLEGARDEN - Salamander Fall Out Boy - Where is Your Boy Tonight Finger Eleven - Falling On Hard-Fi - Cash Machine Hollywood Undead - No. 5 Incubus - Privilege Jem - 24 Kings of Leon - Use Somebody Linkin Park - New Divide Lo-Fidelity Allstars/Pideonhed - Battleflag Lost Prophets - Can't Catch Tomorrow (Good Shoes Won't Save You This Time) Mae - Embers and Envelopes Muse - Supermassive Black Hole My Chemical Romance - Demolition Lovers Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit Oasis - Wonderwall Panic! at the Disco - There's a Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey You Just Haven't Thought Of It Yet Rise Against - Savior Senses Fail - Lady In A Blue Dress Silverstein - Your Sword vs. My Dagger Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun SR-71 - Tomorrow Sublime - Santeria Sugarcult - Hate Every Beautiful Day The Classic Crime - The Fight The Rasmus - Shot The Starting Line - Inspired By The $ Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life Tokio Hotel - Monsoon [EDM] AKITO - 桜華月 ATB - Ecstasy Chicane - Poppiholla (The Thrillseekers Remix) Cold Blue - Paradise (Ankhen Remix) Cosmic Gate - Back To Earth (7" Mix) Dave Gahan - Insoluble Deadmau5 - I Remember (Vocal Mix) Tiesto - Extacy Tiesto - Summer Jam (Gigi D'Agostino Remix) Dubfire - I Feel Speed Ernesto v. Bastian - Killer Tone Infected Mushroom - Deeply Disturbed (Infected Remix) John O'Callahan - (Find Yourself (Cosmic Gate Remix) Kamaya Painters - Endless Wave Moussa Clarke/Terrafunka - She Wants Him (Blake Jarell's Panty Droppin' Remix) Sander Kleinenberg - This is Our Night September - Satellites (Dancing DJ's Remix) Tiesto/Andain - Beautiful Things (Gabriel & Dresden Remix) Tilt - The World Doesn't Know Vaselin Tasev - Blue Light So...yea...good shit. And the wind brought Clive @ 10:09 PM	Saturday, April 03, 2010
Go On. Pierce the halfway smokey glow and strike with the precision that's meant to kill Take the haze with the tip of your fingers and wrap it around like a mortal coil Cut into ribbons the high that was supposed to be the penultimate epic thrill Crash through the glass and shatter into a million pieces on the cold, hard soil That's the reality, without its rules and norms, with all its illusions The high falootin' low debasin' all round swindlin' taunt when we're high on life Feel the change that comes through the experience of many years Fear the blame that comes through the words of your ignorant peers The peerless shroud of conceited contempt looking down on those down below Is it any wonder why I'm so scared that I'm grounded to the floor? The poison seeps and takes hold of the rich innocence of life It couldn't be more unexpected that I'm hanging onto just that little bit The pure and naive is long gone, and the cynic laughs in their place Emotions turn toxic and just when the first leaf falls in the frost that is April The wind carries off a fragment of whatever's left of the withered soul Rebuild the psyche, salvage the wreck, solder the broken pieces and make a new man Let him stand up and walk again with the confidence befitting of a person May he endure the pressure of guilt and remember the life he once had The swan song of the man just about to crash again is just the dead's last gasp So that I'll always remember, and so that we'll never forget So that as day goes on I'll recall my regret We all move along someday Go on. And the wind brought Clive @ 12:57 PM	Friday, February 05, 2010
Alright. Wake up, it's time to smell the roses Go take up, the ring, the light, the torch And shake up, the scene, the ground, and as it all falls Things break up, this fantasy life where we fight Through...the illusion, through...the confusion, this adrenaline Through this stupid life, know we're all just livin' It's ain't all just empty words that I'm here spittin It's all in this bullshit where we're dyin' or survivin' There's so much that I really wanna tell you you know But when my rhyme's not reason then reason's no more Goin up high and crashing down low It goes right round, through the ground and upside down The cure for the sickness is the reason, the goal When it feels like shit it's cuz there's no more ground down below And if it kills me, a grand design, the fall from grace To be locked out from freedom and be denied of my place So I sign to the left, left to the might Maybe if we go all out it'll all be alright I know I can't speak for anyone else But I know that you that we know and we'll show that it'll all be alright It'll all be alright. And the wind brought Clive @ 12:10 PM	Monday, February 01, 2010